he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
