i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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