if i can run in heels then i can drive
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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