When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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