Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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