when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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