She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
