the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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