I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
