You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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