dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
