I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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