Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
