i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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