I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
