i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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