I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
