Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
