she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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