Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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