We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize