Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
