ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
