Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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