did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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