a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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