there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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