I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
