No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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