if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
