Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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