I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
