just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I will pee on everything he values.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Randomize
