My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
