it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
