I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
