Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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