he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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