I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
