Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My bed smells like the plague
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
