Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
