My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
