My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
