I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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