I hate your face
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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