I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
