Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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