weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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