Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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