all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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