i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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