no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
should my penis look like a turkey
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
