So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
