I hope mine doesn't look like that
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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