I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
