The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
