It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
