You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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