Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
