Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
