she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
