Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
