I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
