So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
